Kill me, I begged...

Time for a change....

2005-11-27T00:40:26Z

This is the last entry in this journal.
I created a new one last night, the user name is silverand__cold.
So that's livejournal.com/users/silverand__cold.
(minus the period if there is any doubt)
Thanks for reading this all this time, and thanks to whoever reads the new one.
♥

One way conversation....

2005-11-26T08:29:26Z

Make a big scene
Make this glass house my coffin
(You miss the big picture)
Well it's the words that you're coughin' out,
(out on your sleeve)
So forge my sins here in song
(Well I'm telling you now what you've known all along)
And it's tired, so true,
More subtle than you
There's a lull in the stereo
It's calling for you (calling for you)
It's calling for you

Well I'm a slave to my vices
(It's true)
They've all been renamed as a crutch
So drag my name and my face through the mud
You're better at confronting me
Showing just how vicious you can be
Do what you came here to do
(Do what you came here to do)
Trigger finger gets you pointed in
The right direction
My new found discretion

It's not a lie if you believe it
It's no mistake if it's always repeated
It's not a lie if you believe it
It's no mistake if it's always repeated

Shall we call it quits or just wait? (It's not a lie If you believe it)
Even, even if my last name rhymes with your rescue of hear say
Do not say you know (It's no mistake if its repeated)
Call me out
It's not a lie (It's such a lie)
But I don't need to hear it from you
So what's another word for (I don't need to hear it from you)
What's another word for (I don't need to hear it from you)
What's another word for (I don't need to hear it from you)
What's another word for (I don't need to hear it from you)

It gets easier with doses of time (easier with dull sense of time)
Easier with doses of time (easier with dull sense of time)
Easier with doses of time (easier with dull sense of time)
Easier with doses of time (easier with dull sense of time)
Show us just how vicious you can be (be)

Break me, for I'm the one who deserves this pain...

2005-11-12T07:48:28Z

Hmm...
I just typed so much, it's ridiculous.
All to a girl, I met today.
And she's an awesome girl.
Should be fun to get know her more.
I don't feel like typing alot right now.
So here's what I have to say in short.
Jen picked me up.
Went to taco bell.
Didn't eat.
Louis came.
Went to jens.
Chilled.
Beavis and Butt-head<3
And alot of it.
Black people on t.v.
And alot of them.
Black kid a wheelchair on t.v.
Playing basketball.
And alot of it.
Left jens with lou and her.
She dropped us off.
Good night over all.
Meeting the random girl was cool haha.
Apparently she knows Jen.
So, I suppose me, her, jen and louis are going to the movies tomorrow.
SawII.
Such a great movie.
I don't know why I typed this entry like this.
But you love it.

P.S. I hope my piggy back ride is up to par :-)

Read for one of those infamous emo entries I'm known for...too bad....

2005-11-01T01:18:00Z

Have you ever gotten to the point where the best part of your day is falling asleep?
Have you ever broken something beautiful that you would break yourself just so that one thing could be fixed again?
Have you ever wished that the tears would come out instead hiding themselves?
Has anyone else ever felt like they were breathing underwater?
Like every breath is just another step towards some sort of self destruction that's been counting down for longer than you even know yourself.
Because I'd like to know what to do...
I'd like to know what to do when your eyes become cameras and you're running on surveillance mode.
Not living, Not speaking, Not Dying...forgetting how to breath for that split second.
And than, like a punch to the stomach you inhale, and you remember...
I'm still alive.

I won't ever ask if you don't ever tell me. I know you well enough to know....

2005-10-15T16:35:59Z

So I wrote a new song...it's got the longest title I've ever had for a song, I could make it shorter, but I'm not going to. It's the first song I've ever wrote without a chorus, it makes it easier to "Tell a story" that way...

"The intimate relationship between a blazing fire and a pathological liar"

These frowns turn into smiles...
but I'm the only one who knows.
I hide the deepest wounds.
Eyes can tell stories as well as a mouth...
just leave it alone, just leave it alone.
I've fallen down and I won't go home.
I won't go home tonight.

Our relationship has failed...
fucked-up intimacy where all limbs flailed.
So fill this silence with lies and look into the cracks.
Take the words for what they are and find out what we lack.
Let's take this heart and light it on fire...
and hear the stories of a pathological liar.

I've fallen down, and I can't get back up...
cliche' is a word of the past.
It's now my life and it will last.
Lights out, thoughts on, fucked up, lay down.
We're the only two left in this ghost town.
So let's dance sweetheart, let's dance till we die.
Saving grace and losing place we'll fall into skies.

This pressures too much to take.
Every bend has a break.
So long sincerity, hello complacency.
Outside of windows with rocks and a radio.
Some would say I'm crazy, you would just say no.
Take me away and leave me with a kiss.
I'd be happy to die like this.
She said " Don't worry, it won't end like this"
I said "If it did, it'd be total bliss"

Alright, so...my life.
Things got fucked up for a little bit.
But we came to an understanding.
And it does fucking suck that I don't have a chance.
Just because you didn't listen.
But w/e, just don't ever do that again.
Kevin Shewan...he's little.
But he's fierce.
Open mic night, SLS didn't really get a PA system.
We didn't even get to fucking play.
I guess "A habitual fate" played too many songs.
SLS got three...but no PA system, so yeah.
Things are looking like they're going to take that dive into the place between where I hate life and fake loving it again.
For a little bit I was at a point where I was happy.
And I don't want to have to start faking it again.
Because I've learned to do that too well.
And I don't like to do it.

"If this is the last time I'll ever be so terrified...if this is the last time, I'll never look in your eyes."

They're pointing, laughing, while he begs,his tormentors for just one taste....

2005-10-08T19:27:31Z

I've been lonely like Silhouette or a serenade.
A heart attack, or a man BETRAYED.

umm, yeah, I'm not even sure why I wake up sometimes.
it would be a hell of a lot simpler to drift off into oblivion straight from my sleep, than to have to do it when I wake up.
yeah, I'm also not even sure where i stand with quite a few people, even some of my best friends.
I'll be honest, this kids mind is alot different than I thought it is. There's also the fact that he says alot of stuff, but it seems like he doesn't believe it himself lately. I'm not going to belittle him, it's his choice, not like i can do anything about it.
Dominic's party today.
Writing our first original, well I actually have the lyrics already, they're making the music today though.
It's going to be "Healing the Sick" that we're using, but I revised it a bit.
I'll put the new version in here later on.
Sometimes I honestly believe that God is just fucking with me, toying with my emotions, seeing how far he can push me until the bend becomes the break. It's really not fair...and I'm not being "emo" or whiny or anything like that. I would not wish what I've been dealt with on anyone.

Except maybe Mia Lello. But that's a whole different story......

"Healing the Sick" *Final Draft*

I said "Take me awayyyy!!!"
I said "Take me awayyyy!!!"

Sweat trickles slowly,
falling maliciously.
And I think she'd murder me,
destroying what we might be.
But I'll force her to see,
through blood and blashphemy.

This is the story of a broken down boy,
just an example of a life without joy.
Dig deep sweetheart, let your blood begin to boil...
take it like a champ when I cover you with soil, and...
Don't scream...Don't scream...DON'T SCREAM!!! x2

Stitches from the bricks,
happiness just a trick.
As we're working through the ticks,
these tocks are a glitch.
Sit back darling, it's just a little prick...
I reassured her softly, "I'm just healing the sick".

*Bridge*
Why must we play with fire?
And where did we put out the flame?
The notes from holy choirs,
points the finger, places blame.

This is the story of a broken down boy,
just an example of a life without joy.
Dig deep sweetheart, let your blood begin to boil...
take it like a champ when I cover you with soil, and...
Don't scream...Don't scream...DON'T SCREAM!!! x2

She said "Take it all back!!!"
She said "Take it all back!!!"

JFUEJIKMSDFKNGFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-07T00:27:25Z

Fucked on the gurney, till your black and blue.
By beheaded banshees who cackle and coo.
Who'd let a medic of blasphemous birth,
flavor his meat with the salt of the earth.
Cannons and heryns condemn you to die.
And oh how the acolytes sing?

Lay them on the lawn...
Like dead virgins!!!
Goddess of the grove...
We praise you, Gloria!!!
For every one of our sisters tortured.
A thousand of their souls will burn.
Burn!!!

Fist through your gums like a five-fingered kiss.
A sad toothless suitor in post-coital bliss.
Roll up that dollar and powder your nose.
You show up like seman on dark colored clothes.
Forceps and Scalpel make a mockery of flesh.
And oh how the acolytes sing?

So yeah, I have not updated in quite a long time.
To start things off, life is becoming routine.
Routine is not good, routine produces habits.
Most habits are not good.
Last few weeks, got my band completed.
Went to a few shows.
Did a few songs.
If any of you read this and have a myspace which most people do, please add our band =) myspace.com/crimsonsilhouettepa
Dom Vito is drums, screams and back up vocals. Aaron Morda is bass. Kevin Shewan is guitar and screams. And I'm Lead vocals and screams.
While I've got a shitload of songs written, I only plan on using one of my older ones, the rest are sort of a history thing.
All new shit, and I think I'll write my newest one in here later on, I just finished it two days ago. It's called "Healing the Sick".
So, girl life...pretty well actually.
Weird huh.
One girl who I'm interested in and think is interested in me.
One girl who I'm interested in and not so sure what she thinks.
And one girl I'm interested in and am pretty sure it won't happen.
But it's certainly nice to at least have some options.
I'm been in a writing slump lately, amongst other things.
It seems like alot of the stuff I write sounds the same, which you would expect to a point. But, it's beginning to become too noticable for my own comfort. Well, it was...I just sort of, re-vamped my writing style. It's darker now, but still with the caring part. I like it alot, hopefully everyone else too.
So basically, dom's party is saturday, might get to hang out with Melanie. Actually, have to call Melanie pretty soon...she's a really cool girl, and really beautiful to, so yeah.
Dom's party should be fun, I think I want to write an acoustic song if I get there early or if we just have the time. wow, I want to scream, loud, and in someones face.
Everything is just so plain right now, I need a switch to flip or something else will break.
Alright, so here's a preview of what you'll be hearing at shows and maybe even on a demo way down the line.
If you read this, just comment and let me know what you think of it, good or bad...thanks a bunch<3

"Healing the Sick"
I said "Take me awayyyy!!"
I said "Take me awayyyy!!"

Sweat trickles slowly,
dripping maliciously.
And I think she'd kill me...
destroying what we might be.
But I'll help her see,
through blood and blasphemy.

This is the biography of a broken boy,
and this is a blank picture of a fucked up toy.
Dig deep sweetheart, let the blood begin to boil,
and as we start, to cover your face with the soil.
Don't scream, don't scream.

Stitches from the bricks,
holy water, limes and salt licks.
As we're working through ticks,
these tocks are a glitch.
Sit back darling, it's just a prick,
I reassured her softly, "I'm just healing the sick"

Tease me, break me, fuck me, please me.
Turn me, toss me, learn me, leave me.

This is the biography of a broken boy,
and this is a blank picture of a fucked up toy.
Dig deep sweetheart, let the blood begin to boil,
and as we start, to cover your face with the soil.
Don't scream, don't scream.

She pleas "Take it all back!!!"
She pleas "Take it all back!!!"

Well it's getting colder...and your getting distant...

2005-09-25T04:04:28Z

And I just keep thinking, that I never meant it to be like this. To be like this.

Today, first time ever playing for random people I didn't know, and in front of other bands. It was fucking awesome, a really good feeling.
I don't know what it is exactly, but it's a rush to the stomach that I only get from a few other things.
I mean, I was more excited about the other bands seeing me and my friends cause it was a twelve year olds birthday party haha.
Anyway, we did Secrets don't make Friends and Legends Die.
Awesome shit.
Title Fight Played, Party Animals.
Title Fight is a very very good band.
I enjoyed their set alot.
Dom, Lou, Kev and I moshed with the 12 year old girls, I think we might have killed like four and eight went to the hospital (but not really).
After the whole show, Lou and I went to gateway to see Cry Wolf...did not get to finish it for reasons not allowed to be spoken on livejournal.
Left there, went to Josies...got stuff...ate it in Taco Bell.
Left there, walked around for awhile.
Ended up at The Future. There just happened to be a show starting.
So we went in. Watched stuff.
Left...Louis's dad picked him up.
Tomorrow, football at lou's dads.

You never listened to me...
I'm only complainin...to keep myself busy sweetie.
I can't say I blame you!!! But I wish that I could...
I'm sick of writing every song.....about you!!!!!!!!!!!

"Keeping myself Busy...Bridge"
This one is for the stars that shone, and that hearts that broke.
The hands that held eachother, and the lips that met as we walked towards home.
The eyes that shone like a diamond on her finger.
And to hoping that somehow these feelings would linger.

♥

Attention starved with a narcissistic twist....

2005-09-22T00:55:53Z

I’m a mess of insecurities
Attention starved with a narcissistic twist
Don't you think that I’m amazing?
Please tell me I'm worth dating
I have every reason not to leave home today

Mirror, mirror, how amazing is my figure?
Your visitors they fall apart before my pictures
Mirror, how amazing is my figure?
Your visitors they fall apart before my pictures

Please don’t believe my words are lacking honesty
I’ll be the boy you can’t resist
You’ll be the tenth girl on my list
I’ll write your name upon my chest
These less than three's will never rest
Please don’t believe my words are lacking honesty

Mirror, mirror, how amazing is my figure?
Your visitors they fall apart before my pictures
Mirror, how amazing is my figure?
Your visitors they fall apart before my pictures

You'll be the last girl on my list
action's just a click away
these things photographs could never say
[x2]

Please don’t believe my words are lacking honesty
Please don’t believe my words are lacking honesty

New layout guys and gals.....

2005-09-19T01:25:33Z

"An Icicle to the Throat"

Maybe we can talk things over...
Or maybe you'll ignore me again.
Because these demons are a blessing,
and your ignorance a sin.
I can write these things in my little red book...
and I can sing these songs about hearts and lies.
But your face takes the place of complacency.
And even though I tried to work through the sighs.
When you knocked on my door you heard my choked cries.

The tears have turned to blood and my blood has turned to stone.
The hour glass has been filled with the patience and the love of the past.
And that sad excuse for a timebomb is emptying fast.
So take my life and take my heart, take this fuck-up back to the start.
Take my throat and do what you wish, but remember my darling that paybacks a bitch.
Because I gave you my heart and you gave me this gun.
But when the bullet goes through, I won't be the one.

Don't bother trying to return the "I love you's"
And don't try to stop me now.
Because at the end of the day I'll care more than you do.
And at the end of the day the easiest way out is down.
Why can't I feel these feelings from anyone else in this town?
And why, why, WHY?!?!?!? does it feel like I'll drown.
FUCK YOU!!! You never understood, you've never felt this way.
You've never felt like taking your life and you've never dreaded the day.
Because the night is what takes me away, back to the time when blood was blood and not my tears.
Because this knife a god and my god is a fake.
My wrists are working their way into believing this blasphemy.
You know you could stop this...
You know you could stop this...
YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP THIS!!!!
COME BACK AND FUCKING STOP THIS BEFORE I DROWN!!!

The tears have turned to blood and my blood has turned to stone.
The hour glass has been filled with the patience and the love of the past.
And that sad excuse for a timebomb is emptying fast.
So take my life and take my heart, take this fuck-up back to the start.
Take my throat and do what you wish, but remember my darling that paybacks a bitch.
Because I gave you my heart and you gave me this gun.
But when the bullet goes through, I won't be the one.

You know you could stop this...
You know you could stop this...
YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN STOP THIS!!!!
COME BACK AND FUCKING STOP THIS BEFORE I DROWN!!!

♥

Wow, for the first time in a long time, things are going just my way = )

2005-09-16T01:58:45Z

When your dream world turns into reality and the sky is not the limit but the place you reside, where do you go from there? And when your looking down and you see the thoughts from the past and you look around and realize your living them out, how do you cope with the emotions? I'm not totally sure yet, but so far a big fucking smile has been covering it.

So yes, everything is going right as of now.
I asked Brittany to the Semi and she said yes.
I wasn't expecting that but I was so happy she said yes.
Dominic and I have found a bassist in aaron.
Aaron is actually sick on bass so I'm really happy with that.
Alright, so, so far here is our lineup...
Dominic Vito, Drums/backup vocals/screams. Aaron Morda, Bass/Lookin good.
Kenny Lamoreaux, Vocals/Screams.
Now we just need a guitar and we're good to go.
Bobby said he was interested so we might already be good.
Saturday is our first practice.
Dom says he's already got some shit written drum wise.
And I sure as hell have a shit load of lyrics.
Now all we have to do is sort through my shitty stuff and find the good and we'll be ready to go.
Alright, here's a little spoiler, I've been tellin some people that open mic night will be our first show at Bishop O'Reilly. We're hoping to have two originals done and two-four covers. Alright, one of the covers we're doing is Ride The Wings Of Pestilence. So you gotta come out and mosh to that shit guys.
By the way, we're called *Crimson Silhouette*
We should have a myspace up as soon as we get our final lineup A.K.A. guitarist and a picture.
So watch out for us guys.
Thanks.
♥

Verse from "Future, Present, Past".

So forget all the things that will make you remember.
And collect all the ties that you'd like to sever.
The story is concluding, but this pain has just begun...
She's tightening the noose as I sit waiting to be hung.
Now dress up your wounds, oh my girl make them pretty.
Cause the nighttime approaches and we'll be the god's of this city.
These secrets run rampant as we fake our goodbyes.
But this is the last night I'll fall in her eyes.

Chorus...
*******Now, Please, Please!!! Please slit my throat and bless my wrists.
Please, Please!!! We'll fake it like no pain exists...
Girl, Please, Please!!! Please slit my throat and bless my wrists.
Please, Please!!! We'll fake it like no pain exists...********

Come on sweetheart, if your going to fake it, do it like you mean it.

My future is as bright as her eyes....

2005-09-15T03:07:53Z

When time soaked with blood turns it's back...
I know it's hard to find.
Confiding in me was your hope...
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me.

Alright guys, I haven't updated in quite awhile.
Life is pretty good considering how bad it sucks.
Yesterday, practice with the guys.
Timmy, Lou, Dom, Josh, Aaron, Kevin and Chris that is.
Don't think I missed anyone.
Dom Kev Josh and I did Legends Die, Just Like I remember, A decade under the influence. Then Tim, Dom, Kev and I did Sugar We're goin down. Then Tim, Lou, Dom and I did Secrets don't make friends. Alot of other songs were also played haha. After everything we went downstairs and did quite a few acoustics. Good shit. I have a scream, that I wasn't aware, as a matter of fact, it's a scream good enough to do Lip Gloss and Black acoustic hahahaha. Also got out legends die and shit, so yeah, I'm happy with that shit.
Dom says I have a great voice, which is a great confidence booster since I think that kid is fucking amazing. Dom is actually the nicest kid I have ever come across in my lifetime, and probably the most honest, he's always one of the most talented musicians I know, so to hear a kid like that say that, it's pretty nice for a change haha. Oh yeah, Dom and I have started up a project...as of this exact moment no name, but we're discussing it now. Me on the microphone, Dom on the drums/screams, and we have two offers for bass and one for guitar so far. We're hoping to have like a 4-6 song set ready for the open mic night at BOR. October 17th or something I believe. With two originals in there, so far we have a pretty fucking amazing idea for one of the covers and the others are up in the air. So yeah guys, watch out for us. So, there's this girl, and she's confusing, but her eye's give away the true story. I know what's behind that smile. And it's not something I want to miss out on. Her thoughts are something I can see without a word spoken. And I do believe the star I wish on is the star she sees. Even though I know one pill will get me through the day, I take two anyway. When I take three pills, this song begins to play, and it won't go away. Even though I know one pill will get me through the day, I take two anyway...

Here's a little preview of some of my original lyrics too come...
To make these days mean so much more...
I'd take your pain and anything else in store.
I think this is the end of the beginning.
The clique is clashing with my coming of age.
Your eyes tell a different story then the one I know.
They tell of love and care and the things you show.
But inside the workings of a madwomen lies secrets that would make the devil cringe.
So take my pills, drink down this cyanide, c'mon sweetheart, let's binge.
Your heart in my hand and these words on my fingertips.
I reach for your hand but a funny thing happens...
I slip.

Taste it, salvations near.

Like I said, Leave your baggage at the back door....

2005-09-05T18:24:24Z

Hey guys, Underoath last night, absolutely sick.
Best show I have ever went to in my life.
Got a drumstick and got it signed by Aaron.
Met everyone from every band that played.
Amazing.
More info later♥

ROBOPADOPE THIS IS LOUIS

2005-09-03T02:11:48Z

yes,this is Lou goeringer and i'm updating kennys journal.

umm,he's sleeping over and right now,we're sitting on my bed being bored.

shut the fuck up.

uh i dunno,i think we're going to underoath on sunday.

shut the fuck up.

I would probably kill myself, if it were that easy......

2005-08-26T03:10:41Z

All I can say is that life really is not fair, it kicks you when your down and throws dirt in your eyes when everything is dark. I've talked alot of people through alot of shit, so maybe once I should get something in return, like a half hour? Just a half hour. And noone should take this the wrong way cause it's not about a person, mostly just my situation. But I did help you with more than one girl when you really and honestly don't even need it. I'm not mad at you, just help me out for gods sakes, it's about time.
By the way, I've come to the revelation that there is no heaven or hell...no miracles were performed and the apocolypse is not coming, live your 80 years the way you want to, they're yours. Not someone elses.

Alongside all hearts as they finish with backdrop cities
Like jagged teeth digging deeper
Ripping new wounds for former scars
Stricken with insomnia
Sickened lungs insist on heavy breathing

And the conductor is conducting electrical time signatures
And I fall into rhythm.
My life is a rhythm
And my feet will improvise;
(my feet off beat.)
As I sputter at the knee like a leaking faucet

You'll be undercover, under covers,
Sleeping with the enemy
This is what we like to call internal espionage
Concrete coated gazes in hot pursuit of self-made mazes
Talking circles around each other,
Deserting halos to be
Handcuffed and hogtied with your words

On the search for girls
(Stricken with insomnia)
With milk-carton father figures
My veins are pulsing
(Free-form jazz)
To peninsula extremities
My fingertips tap
Polyrhythms like nervous fragments from a nervous mouth
And these words set the cadence
To the crude interpretation of scripts and codes
Breeding pixels without homes-
Reside in my mind; Resonate in my eyes

So affect this love affliction.
Leave the injured overturned;
Fight for breath with flailing arms,
In vain, to float the bane.

Tentative tastes for those less interesting
Leave the injured overturned.
Fight for breath with flailing arms,
In vain, to float the bane.

degenerate08 @ 2005-08-21T13:07:00

2005-08-21T16:59:34Z

Maybe I overreacted. Sorry to flip my switch.
I was alone and lonely and tired and just wanted to come home.
Anyway, everything is okay now so it doesn't matter.
I shall see you in two hours fool.

And I'll find some way, to cut myself open...over and over again. But I'll find some way, to bury it all

I stay wrecked and jealous for this, for this simple reason I....

2005-08-20T00:05:10Z

Honestly, why do people always feel they have the right to mess with me?
And don't you dare read this and think this is all bullshit and I'm just complaining.
I'm never anything but an amazing friend.
I sure as hell don't know too many people who would wake their parents up at 2 in the morning and beg them to go pick up a friend who is stranded on the street, do you?
No, that's why I was the one to pick you up.
And this isn't an isolated incident, I'm always the one to get fukced with.
So don't say I'm over-reacting.
If I did some of the things you do to me you would have left me a long long time ago.
I'm nearing the point where nothing is worth it anymore.
I'm sick of defending people only to have them screw me over in return.
Call me crazy, but I don't think I deserve that.
Nobody does.
I put myself out there for friends and when it's my turn for help I get fukcing shit in return.
There are only two people I can honestly say that have never screwed with me or done anything to hurt me.
And Dom and Julie, I thank you.
But, you...I heard you in the backround laughing your ass off.
The other night she told me what you said.
How the hell do you go from saying "I love that kid" to laughing your ass when someone's right next to you purposefully calling that same kid to bother, and hurt him...yes, it hurts.
Not what he said or anything, I'm not that big of pussy.
But the fact that I make an effort to call the kid like every other night while I'm away to talk to him and help him out with shit, and than he calls me twice, and one of those two times is just to f.uck with me.
Thank you, both of you.
It means alot to me to really know how strong our friendship is.
I'm almost done with one of you.
And your going to miss having me around.
Believe it or not, you couldn't have gotten half the shit done that you did if it weren't for me. Although my effects are minute by themselves, put them together, and your losing out on alot more than you would ever want to.
I'm not going to stick up for people who spit on me in return.
That's not the way it works.
I'm not being a pushover anymore.
I'm not bending to your will like everyone else does.
You will see anger from now on.
I'm not going to let things go through me like they used to.
I'm not going to sit in the corner and shut myself out from everybody else.
I'm not going to be alone anymore, no matter what it takes.
I'll find people who love me, I'll find a girl who loves me.
And if I do, your going to be missing out on one of the most loyal and true friends you never had.

Best friends means I'll pull the trigger, Best friends means you get what you deserve

you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

2005-08-19T19:42:49Z

It's not that I don't trust you
well I just know what you've been up too
and well this dial tone is agreeing with everything I've had in mind.
and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag.

so as his eyes move past your shoulder
and your shades start moving in the same direction
don't worry I, well I won't say a thing.
and you can't blame a girl for (you can't blame a girl for)
stickin' to what she knows..(stickin' to what she knows)

I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.
I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.

if I could get to sleep
then, I guess you could stop pretendin'.
cause if I didn't think you loved it,
well then I wouldn't play along
and you've got your high as a (you've got your high as a)
kite tricks in the bag..(kite tricks in the bag)

I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.
I hope he takes his time
and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight
I hope that when he leaves,
you still smell him on your sheets
cause I can, I can.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

you're down for sellin' me out
while I play dumb,
it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you,
you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.

forget your legs around my hips.
forget your hands pressed on my back.
forget the letters that I kept.
this is another I won't send.
forget your lips, your eyes, your thighs.
forget our one last kiss goodnight.
forget me stakin' out your house.
this time I've got you figured out.

forget your legs around my hips.
forget your hands pressed on my back.
forget the letters that I kept.
this is another I won't send

degenerate08 @ 2005-08-17T20:33:00

2005-08-18T00:31:35Z

If anyone needs to talk shit, or if you have something to say, do it here...leave your name too or you will be deleted immediately, I don't want to fight you...but if you would like a battle of words, i'm happy to oblbige, and I will certainly win, especially with the back-up I have, not that i need it, but it's always there.
Thanks to everyone who's there for me, my friends and my enemies<3
Just because your friends with a person does not make them right.
Learn that and use it, I have many times, as have some of my friends when nesscacary.
And by the way, "Debbie" Attempt to say shit, bc you have no idea the bond I have with some of my friends, if you want to call it gay, feel free. I don't really care, and neither do other people. Just because I have great friends who would fight for me and back me up, and you have to stick up for people to attempt to get a friendship out of it you shouldn't be jealous.

Broken wings, have a home tonight.....

2005-08-12T02:34:29Z

WARPED TOUR SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!$%&%@$&%

Met Boys Night Out's lead singer for like 10 minutes one on one.

Skipped FOB for bleed the dream...fob can suck it when btd is on.

Met all of BTD, signed a shirt, and my cell phone...talked forrrever.

Very nice guys.

Sun Burn on my face.

MCR, effing crazy, lots of people, saved a life...a very cute and adoreable life at that =0).

Sorry I didn't talk to you more, it's just, i know about you and him, and I didn't want to make things awkward? My bad?

Sooooo much more stuff to get up, will do another time...sorry.

Your owning up to nothing, and I wish that i was gone...cause your not going anywhere......

2005-08-10T01:41:43Z

Hmm....is there something wrong with me I don't know about? Because every girl tells me any girl would be LUCKY to have me, but no girl WANTS me. Sometimes it's a hell of alot harder to fall asleep at night, especially when your face is soaking wet. And you, not all of this is about you...but i do want you to know...the things you say kill me. It hurts me more to know that you think you'd be happy with me but choose not to be with me, then if you just didn't think it would work. Just, make up your mind? It hurts me alot, and it's not fair. I mean, I suppose it's alot of my own fault, I don't have to want you, but that's the thing...sometimes things aren't really up to us, and those things are always the most complicated. Sometimes we have to give up the things we love most to gain something that we'll love alot stronger in the long run. But then again, who the hell am I to say? I'm dealing with things that sixteen year old boys with fragile hearts shouldn't have to deal with, and it's sickening to my stomach. And I know you don't want that...so don't feel bad, though I know you will...

*Dashboard Confessional* "Living In Your Letters"

I'm always assuming the worst, but you're going on nonetheless & there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall. Letters from further away keep pulling me close to home. And there is something to cushion my callous sighs. And I know that you hope for longer good-byes embracing for forever and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs. I'm living in your letters. Breath, deeply from this envelope it smells like you & I can't be without that scent. It's filling me with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials but you stand by me nonetheless & you won't let me sink though I'm begging you. Phone calls from further away & messages on my machine, but I don't ever tell you this distance seems terrible. There is no need to test my heart, with useless space. These roads go on forever and so do you & I.

So i'll hit the pavement it's got to be better than waiting & pushing you far away cause I'm scared. So I'll take my chances & head on my way up there. Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

Don't look at me that wAAAaaaayyy....it was an honest mistaaaakeeee........

2005-08-08T21:39:56Z

1* First grade teacher's name: hmmm...Mrs. Alechnie

2* Last word you said: Thanks.

3* Last song you sang: Living in your letters-Dashboard Confessional

4* Last person you hugged: hmmm, timmy? lol

5* Last thing you laughed at: Something Corrine wrote online.

6* Last time you said I dont remember: I don't remember.

7* Last time you cried: hmmm, maybe two months, one month.

9* What color socks are you wearing: white.

10* What's under your bed: nothing.

11* What time did you wake up today: 6:50

12* Current taste: my headphones wiring that i'm chewing on.

13* Current hair: Black, long, shaggy, but messy cause I still have to wash it hahaha.

15* Current annoyance: nothing.

16* Current longing: to win my tournament tonight.

17* Current desktop background: the ocean? (parents computer)

18* Current worry: that everything isn't going to work out.

19* Current hate: that i can't go to warped tour unless i walk.

20* Current favorite article of clothing: probably my cky shoes or my "Thank you for the venom" MCR shirt.

21* Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: always eyes.

22* Last CD that you listened to: Listening to The Bravery right now.

23* Favorite place to be: anywhere with friends, probably timmy or doms house.

24* Least favorite place: alone.

25* Time you wake up in the morning: usually late, but I have school, so 6:50.

26* If you could play an instrument: If I could get better, drums.

27* Favorite color: pink.

28* Do you believe in an afterlife: hmm, I want there to be an afterlife, but I'm not so sure I believe in it.

29* How tall are you: 5'10 maybe 11

30* Current favorite word/saying: nothing, I have alot of inside jokes with friends.

31* Favorite book: hmm...way too many, i suppose the perks of being a wallflower.

32* Favorite season: winter.

33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Courtney S.

*FUTURE*

35* Where do you want to go for college?: whoever accepts my broke ass haha.

36* What is your career going to be like: pharmacist, teacher, or if I'm extremely lucky, music.

37* How many kids do you want: 2-3

*HAVE YOU EVER...*

39* Said "I love you" and meant it: yes.

40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: yeah, this one time I fist fought my fish.

41* Been to New York: when I was really young.

42* Been to Florida: yepp, going back friday.

43* Been to California: no.

44* Been to Hawaii: no.

45* Been to Mexico: no.

46* Been to China: no.

48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: No, but I dreamed something bad about a person, and than a different thing happened, although it was equally as bad.

*RANDOM*

52* Do you have a crush on someone: yepp, a pretty big one.

53* What book are you reading now? none at the moment.

54* Worst feeling in the world: being alone.

55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: was today really worth waking up for?

56* How many rings before you answer: 3

57* Future daughter's name: Alexia, Alexis.

58* Future son's name: Connor, Ashton.

59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: nope...just my cd player.

60* If you could have any job you wanted: singer.

61* Wish were here: her.

62* College plans: none yet.

63* Piercings: None, used to have my ears done...but I am getting my lip pierced.

64* Do you do drugs: nope, none.

65* Do you drink: like twice a year, literally.

67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: anything apple preferably.

68* What are you most scared of: being alone, death.

69* What clothes do you sleep in: sometimes whatever I'm wear that day, most of the times boxers.

70* Who is the last person that called you: Louis.

71* Where do you want to get married: not sure.

72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: hmm, that I was less needing of a girl.

73* Who do you really hate: A.L. M.L. J.K.

74* Been In Love: not sure, I believe I was.

75* Are you timely or always late: usually coming up on late.

76* Do you have a job: yes.

77* Do you like being around people: my friends.

78* Best feeling in the world: holding hands.

79* Are you for world peace: no.

80* Are you a health freak: I honestly try to be.

81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: not blonde most of the time, and if blonde, must like the same music as me haha.

83* Are you lonely right now: yes.

84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: nah.

85* Do you want to get married: yes.

86* Do you want kids? yes.

*IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*

87* Cried: no

88* Bought Something: yes, the bravery.

89* Gotten Sick: no.

90* Sang: yes.

91* Said I Love You: ummm, I used a <3

92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: yes.

93* Met Someone: yup.

94* Moved On: no.

95* Talked To Someone: yes.

96* Had A Serious Talk: yes.

97* Missed Someone: yes.

98* Hugged Someone: yes.

99* Yelled at Someone: yes.

100* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: daydreamed.

It's all about, the song in my head....the one where the audience is alllll deaaaaddd......

2005-08-01T02:00:10Z

These days, they're allowing visitations.
To aid in my rehabilitation.
To make these days, seem so much more to me....
I've begged friends and family for forgiveness.
And now for the first time, together we'll witness.
Together we'll live this song I've been living incessantly....

So about my life...hmm...still pretty damn boring.
Louis stayed over for the entire weekend, and it was fun.
"I'll fuckin shank you" haha.

So...sitting here wishing I was with you, holding your hand...looking into your eyes, inches from the lips which hold the key to the happiness that comes with hearing you say hello. But, who am I to be sad? Sometimes I wish it were as simple as goodbye. But things like this take a bigger toll on me than I like to admit. You've made me a pro at pretending to be happy. It's something I've come to live with, although it's not something I want to be forced to do. We need to catch up on things...pretty soon you'll be seeing me everyday, but it won't change much...it never has, and I'm beginning to believe that no matter how much you don't want me to forget you, that it never will....I suppose a heart is something to easy to break so that you didn't know that's what you were doing, but it's certainly something too complicated to fix with a sorry and a friendly hug....

I want to write a song right now, so I'm going too...it's going to be good, this type of mood brings out the best writing for me....

***Broken lives and wasted hearts***

"It's all about the way that she said...
Goodnight, remember me as you climb into bed."

These days I'm forgetting all the heartache.
Until you shoot me a sharp glance and now this fragile excuse for a heart breaks.
So come sing with me.....
And brilliant lines replacing brilliant kisses.
Are all the things that a broken heart misses.
So run away with me.....
So come on over and we'll love eachother for the last time.
And we'll say goodbye and give unwarranted kisses of the most terrible kind.

The saddest songs tend to write themselves over and over again.
I'm only the boy with the thoughts in my head and the overused pen.
The artwork and lyrics are things lovers forget with time.
But the melodies and screams are things that will always be mine.

"It's all about the things that she said...
Like all the hints she dropped towards wishing me dead."

And now at long last you'll witness.
The things making pain instant.
So die now with me.....
This grave is so pretty and the stars set it ablaze.
I turn to run away, but you catch me with that gaze.
So now cry with me.....
But now everything's wrong and your tears turn to blood...my world turns black, there's no turning back.
I reach for the gun and you give it back..."click click says the chamber", "I'm as empty as your chest and now you'll realize you've failed her test"....

The saddest songs tend to write themselves over and over again.
I'm only the boy with the thoughts in my head and the overused pen.
The artwork and lyrics are things lovers forget with time.
But the melodies and screams are things that will always be mine.

"It's all about the way that she said...
Goodnight, remember me as you climb into bed."

Doctor, Doctor....Why am I here?!

2005-07-28T15:57:59Z

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out about me?

13. Emotionally, what stands out about me?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. On a scale from 1-10, how cute am I?

33. What song reminds you of me?

Quiz Quiz Quiz, yes I'm making this up...steal if you wish.

2005-07-26T02:15:03Z

This is a quiz, twenty questions...just to see why your friends with me, how you now me and how well you now me also...steal it if you want.

1.) How long have we been friends and where did we meet?

2.) Do you value my friendship, if so, why?

3.) Would you ever date me/have thought about it? *girls only obviously*

4.) Have we ever gotten arrested together?

5.) Will we ever get arrested togeth?

6.) What's my favorite movie?

7.) What's my favorite band *overall*? By the way, go buy their new cd, out 9/27.

8.) What's my favorite song? *Hint, by the above band*

9.) Have we ever kissed/you thought about kissing me? *girls only again*

10.) What color shirt do I where most above black?

11.) What kind of shoes do I have?

12.) What's the name of my band,who's in it, and what do I do?

13.) What's the name of the one HIM song I want to cover?

14.) How cool are my birthday parties?

15.) What's my best and worst quality?

*All from here on, girls only.*

16.) Am I cute?

17.) Am I hot?

18.) Scale from one to ten, my personality?

19.) Three things you'd change about me?

*Next question for everyone.*

20.) Where do you see our friendship in 5 years?

****BONUS QUESTION****

Who is Badou, where is here from, and what is he straight off of???

This fortress of tears, I've built from my fears.
For you....
This fortress won't fall, I've built it strong.
For you....